One person I’ve always been grateful for in my life is my daddy. He passed away in 1980 right after my junior year of high school from black melanoma cancer. My biggest regret is not telling him how much I loved him when I had the time. It’s been forty-four years this year (June 2) and some things about his passing are just as vivid today as they were on that very last day. The last day I ever spoke with him and the day he passed from this earth.

My dad wasn’t always the best husband to my mom or best dad to my siblings. We all have different experiences and memories of and with him. Whereas I and my sister after me may recall all the good things, how he worked hard to keep us fed and clothed and how he spent time with us, a few of my other siblings only remember when he called them out for not minding, for being greedy at the dinner table, or for always trying to stir up trouble with someone else.

I’m the kind of person who likes to understand how a person came to be where they’re at in their life. So, as I grew and tried to figure out my daddy and why he was so loving at times, yet disagreeable or angry at other times, I realized that he had a whole history before I was born. He was a son of strict parents (they may not have been but I got very definite undertones that he felt they were while he was growing up). He also felt misunderstood as the youngest brother of ten children. He didn’t know what he wanted to be when he grew up. And he had a son from a previous marriage with an ex-wife who took his first child to another state after their divorce never to see each other again. That’s heavy.

Sadly, I have at least one sibling maybe two who believe that, despite a parent’s own less-than-perfect life, it is no excuse on his part for poor behavior. They believe a parent should know better and shouldn’t bring baggage into the life of their new young family. This is definitely an ideal desire of any child, yet it is not realistic no matter how hard we can try. No parent is born with a manual for knowing how to raise children. We can have different backgrounds which give us better opportunities for a wonderful childhood, but every parent is doing the best they can. Each of us brings with us what we learn from our upbrining into our new life as parents. Sometimes, we can get a well-rounded life and, sometimes, some of us can get a rocky one.

Irregardless of my siblings ideas, I believe my parents did the best they could with what they had. Sure, they made some mistakes along the way. Who hasn’t? What I think is most important is that they loved us. Our daddy loved each one of his nine children no matter what any one of us thinks including the son he left behind. And he proved it by staying with those of us from his second marriage until he could no longer care for himself. Up until then, he made sure we had a roof over our heads, food on the table, clothes to wear, and transportation to school.

Like my daddy, there are a lot of good dads out there, not always getting it right, but always doing their best with what they have, and what they know, to love their child and provide for them in the best way possible. Having a manual would make things easier, for sure. But not having a manual gives dads and their children the opportunity to strive for improvement along the way. As we grow together, we can iron out what wasn’t done so well in the early years.

Life isn’t about being perfect right at this moment or every moment of every day. Life and parenting is about doing one’s best throughout life and leaving a margin for growth. Dads may be expected to teach their children right from wrong and how to develop thinking strategies for success. But kids can teach their parents, their dads, too, about slowing down, taking time to play and spend time doing things together whether it’s games or learning a hobby, and that it’s okay to mess up. Because love, like a band-aid, can heal things when parents are busy living their lives and kids are busy finding themselves.

On this Father’s Day, may we give our dads a break – those who are trying or have tried to make a positive difference in their children’s lives. And may we pray for those dads who are still trying to figure it out, even struggling to make sense of their lives – the relationship they had with their own dads and how it’s affecting the parenting of their kids. And may we be grateful for the good in our dads, the good that was shown through sacrifice by being dedicated to their jobs despite grueling work hours, the good that saved up money for hard times, the good that believed in their children when no one else did.

My daddy always believed in me. He may not have completely understood me, especially being a girl and all, but he loved me. Despite being in an arranged marriage to someone who was young enough to be his daughter, he stepped up to the plate and cared for me like I was the most important person in his life. His care and concern for me was never lost on me. Yet, other dynamics, the ghosts of his past, the unfinished business from his first marriage, the fragile ties with his own parents, played into being a less than better parent. Thankfully, mercy, grace, and forgiveness abound when love lives in our hearts.

On this Father’s Day, may all good fathers striving to be better parents be recognized for their love, their efforts, and simply for who they are: human – a person full of hope, promise, and dreams for themselves and for their children. And may those who fall short, be loved anyway, for all they tried to do and yet failed due to what might seem to be the unexplainable.

If your dad is no longer around, may you offer up loving thoughts for him wherever he’s at now. If you are on the outs with your dad, gently consider ways to heal the breach. Life is short. Some people are blessed to have their dad for eighty plus years. Others, like my baby sister, for only eight.

Happy Father’s Day, Daddy. I will always miss you.

Love & hugs to you and yours, Virg