Moving Past Those Things Which Haunt Us

It seems appropriate being so close to Halloween to blog about those things which have haunted our past and, more than likely, our dreams – wide awake or when asleep. You know, those things which either we did, or someone did to us, and we just can’t seem to get past them.

It took years for me to get past heartache, regret, and disappointment. That is, until I realized just how much time and joy these things which haunted me were stealing from my life. I would also see others while away the hours over that one regret, or that one thing that someone did them wrong by. The sad part for them, and for me, was finally noticing that as we were feeling offended or let down that the other person, seemingly, had no clue about our anguish and was merrily going about their own life.

Hauntings, as I’ll be referring to them in this blog, are something we want to get rid of, just as we’d want to get rid of any ghost in our house. For instance, once, when I was around ten years old, we moved into a house that was supposed to be haunted. And, believe it or not, there were those things that happened which we couldn’t explain. It was me and my mom who experienced most of the creepiness, so I couldn’t doubt my siblings who might just have been wanting to scare me. There were those things that happened which eventually had an explanation. But I couldn’t always explain everything away, like the sound of silverware being tossed in the tub, whereas I could explain the tap-tap-tap sound as the kitchen screen flapping in the breeze.

It was here that I learned to question everything – until no answer could be found or a plausible one anyway. It was also around this time that I had my first boyfriend, broke up with him on Valentine’s Day (of all things), found my new forever friend, and was betrayed by the new student in school. During this time, you could say, I had a lot of hauntings going on – real and imagined.

Over the years, I learned to let go of these and, later on, other more serious “hauntings” like when I was sixteen and left home which sounds simple enough. However, I was haunted by the fact that I deserted my family, my momma, my daddy, and my siblings just when they needed me the most. This haunting caused me a lot of mental and emotional heartache leading to physical illness and eventually a nervous breakdown by the time I was twenty.

It took months and then years for me to recover from this one deed that followed me throughout my late teen and early adult life. Finally, when I was married and our son was around six-years-old, I realized I was letting this haunting, this leftover part of my life from years before, keep me from my best self as a wife and a mother as well as a friend and employee. I had to let go of all that regret and disappointment in myself to be a better me. I had to realize that these moments of decisions which made sense at the time, but later seemed wrong or at least a little premature, are what help us to grow and find our true path. So, I embraced them as part of who I had become and learned to be okay with the outcome.

All those poor choices, forks in the road, or decisions made with only one perspective rather than the full picture, when we are young, help to form and shape us into who we’re eventually meant to be. Once I became aware of this revelation, I was able to move forward and build a new life for myself and my family. A life built on love and forgiveness rather than on regret and heartache.

Of course, there are and can be many things which we let haunt us and prevent us from being our best self. But the idea is to always be growing forward, always be letting go of those things which hold us back, that haunt us, and keep us from being who we are meant to be.

The question was for me, and I’m sure it may be for you, who am I supposed to be once I let go of these things that have been such a big part of me? The answer will be different for everyone, I believe. For me, there was a big void to fill; a big, dark hole that felt empty and scary. I almost wanted to grab those things back that I had just tossed out of my life. But, I started to read more positive books, such as the Bible, self-help, self-development, and even the Alcoholics Anonymous books. It wasn’t easy, but I filled that emptiness with good things: happiness, joy, and peace – to name a few.

Until very recently, I was still carrying around a few little hauntings with me. You know, those ones that might carry over from childhood, that you don’t realize you have until something triggers it. Then, I realized I needed to take my own medicine. The medicine, or advice, I’ve been handing out for years to siblings, friends, and co-workers or acquaintances.

We aren’t in kindergarten anymore. If you know better, do better. Stop doing something simply because someone else thinks it’s a good idea. Question a deed. If it doesn’t make sense, stop doing it or don’t do it at all. And tell that person why. We aren’t in kindergarten anymore. We have a voice.

We don’t have to be afraid anymore. We’re grown ups. The dark doesn’t have to scare us. The creepy sounds don’t need to make us afraid. And the bullies don’t need to scare us either. We have a voice. We can speak up. We can call out danger. We can call on a friend. And, if we like something as an adult but couldn’t have it as a kid, take another look at you and give yourself permission to enjoy it. Or, if you don’t want or enjoy it, be okay with it. We are grown up. We can make our own choices.

If it doesn’t make sense, question it. Just because someone else is doing it, doesn’t mean that it’s okay or that we need to be doing it. Walk away. Choose to say something or not. It’s said that actions speak louder than words, so let your actions send the message if that’s more your style.

It’s in the past; not in the now (and only in future if we let it). This means we should figure out why we are letting something steal so much of our joy. Our time is valuable. We need to learn how to not let those hauntings from such a long time ago hurt us. We must detach ourselves from those still-frames in our mind and put to rest the emotions we keep carrying around with us. It’s one thing to relive a memory in joy but another to relive it in fear, despair, and anxiety.

Don’t let yesterday rob today and tomorrow of happiness. This a popular thought rephrased, therefore many others feel the same way. None of us should ever let the past, or those hauntings of regret or disappointment, keep us from living a life of joy today or in the future. This doesn’t mean we can’t recall those memories; we just shouldn’t allow them to keep us from true happiness.

So, how we can use these “mantras” to help rid us of those things from the past which still haunt us. Perhaps, by putting them in perspective or by facing them. We can’t see them for what they are – memories, still-frames of the mind, past events – if we don’t take them out and examine them in a new light. Sure, other family members, friends, or persons will have their own memory of an event. And we can’t change that because we are all uniquely made. We will see everything differently, and that’s okay. It isn’t okay to let these differences keep us from enjoying life and being our best self.

When we remove the attachment to a certain memory or event, we can then be able to move forward without letting it haunt us. We can take that memory out and turn it over and around and upside down and see it more clearly. We can view life a little differently, and a little easier.

Let’s take time to part with our hauntings. Let’s be open to new experiences. Let’s let go of all that regret, anxiety, and disappointment. Let’s make happier memories, ones filled with joy, peace, and new hope. We really aren’t in kindergarten anymore. We don’t have be confused about why someone won’t play with us. We don’t have to decide between telling on a bully or not. We don’t even need to worry about having our lunch money taken from us. We don’t have to be afraid anymore. We have a voice. We can make our own choices.

A good question to ask ourselves is one from Richard Carlson, author of Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff, “Will this matter a year from now?” A lot of our stuff doesn’t seem small to us. But this could be due to the power we’ve given our small stuff. Pretty soon, our small stuff is big stuff and our big stuff is giant stuff. By using some of this advice, that’s really been around for years and years, we can turn all that small stuff into fluff that just blows away in the breeze of forgiveness and let it go.

As we approach cooler temperatures and a new season, let’s consider giving those things which haunt us the boot. Let’s take away their power over us by facing them squarely in the midst of the anguish they’ve been causing us, often unnecessarily. Let’s rise above our hauntings and embrace those things which will benefit us and toss away those things which no longer serve us or anyone else we know. And, let’s spend this Halloween having some fun with our children, our friends, or our family – in whatever way is fun for all.

Love & hugs, Virg

Thank you for reading this post. If you’d like to read more of what I write about, you can find my book, HONOR ONE ANOTHER: The ABCs of Embracing Our Spirit Within, on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and Bookshop.org. Just search my full name, Virginia Alice Crawford. It’s a short book with very short inspiring reflections that can be read in one sitting or over the course of a month’s time.

You can also follow me on Instagram at @virginia.alice.crawford.